Day 208: Reflections on a Sunday

I had a brilliant blog written up for today, but when I went back and read through it, I realized that it had nothing whatsoever to do with my journey and was getting way too personal so I decided to trash it and cut to the chase about how someone on this journey needs to practice a bit of discipline, particularly when strong emotional states can trigger stupid or reckless behaviors. Something happened last night and I got angry and upset right as I arrived at the Revolver. I ended up drinking more than I normally would and I drank faster as well. I got blitzed pretty quickly and I was hoping that maybe it would relieve the anger, but it didn't. If anything, it ramped it up to murderous levels. If I had kept my discipline in mind and watched my drinking both in quantity and frequency, the anger might have dropped away. Instead, the extra alcohol undid my inhibitions and allowed the anger free rein. So I proceeded to get more and more pissed off as the night went along.

Now when I say I drank more than I normally would, I had three drinks as opposed to my normal two and I had them pretty much back to back instead of drinking water in between the drinks. I was buzzed and kept it that way for a long time. I got home safely and immediately hydrated myself and went to bed. Unfortunately, the anger is sticking around a bit and I don't know if that's an effect of the alcohol or if it just riled me up that badly. And this is not one of my monthly moods, either. That mood colors everything, where this is very specific and sticking around on that particular subject.

I guess it comes down to if you have something that triggers your behavior pattern, keep your eating and drinking discipline first and foremost in your mind and don't let it slip.

Auf Weidersehen!

Day 207: Saturday!!!

Blood test done this morning, then I got the sugared up tweens to their respective mothers and I took the afternoon to clean the condo and do my laundry and I'm going out to the Revolver tonight. I also managed to get my hair cut this afternoon before I started the cleanup detail, so I'll be ready for a night out once I clean myself up and get some dinner. I'm not really hungry, but I want to get my protein in before I go out dancing. Maybe I'll get a couple of numbers tonight. Maybe more than that if I play this right!

A quick rhetorical question before I sign off for the night. Why is it when someone breaks up with us, we're usually more willing to take them back after they hurt us and betrayed our loyalty than we are willing to open up to someone else? I know that I should just walk away, let go and be done with it. But I can't. No matter what I try, my heart always goes back. There's a favorite song of mine by Chris DeBurgh called "The head and the heart" and it has a very appropriate lyric for this:

Now the dawn begins, and still I cannot sleep,
My head is spinning round but now the way is clear to me,
There is nothing left, nothing left to show,
The jury and the judge will see, it's time to let her go,
Now hear the heart,
Oh, I believe that time will show,
She will always be a part of my world,
I don't want to see her go,
So I plead my case to hear the heart,
And stay...

Adios!

Day 206: Friday, Finally!

OMG, what a miserable week this has been. A total of 10 hours of overtime in 4 days. Ugh. Plus I have to get up early and go get my blood work done. NOT FUN! Not that I mind the needles or even the getting up early, it's the wasted time waiting to get my blood drawn. I hate it. But my doctor needs to see what's going on in my body, so I'll get it done. Besides, in the long run, my doctor knows me far better than the weight loss team doctors do, so I'll do what I have to to not only lose the weight, but to thrive and get better. If I hadn't been going to my doctor to get checked out, I might still be taking the iron tablets and getting sicker and sicker from iron toxicity. My doctor has been able to look at my blood work and tell me what I have to do to keep up the weight loss and maintain my muscles. I'm going to listen to him first and foremost.

Right now I really just want to curl up and go to sleep, but if I go to sleep too early, I'll wake up way too early. Damn internal clock. Plus I have to fast for the rest of the night now. Again, not fun since I'm used to taking in a tiny bit of protein right before bed and I'll have the shakes in the morning until I get some protein in my system. Another ugh. On top of that I have two hyperactive tweens playing Wii Sports Resort right now and I'm SO not in a happy place. Plus they seem intent to try to tell me about things that I have absolutely no interest in and after the week I've had, my tolerance level for foolishness is at an all-time low tonight. Ah well, the things you do for your kids.

And after the blood test I'll go home, sugar up those two kids and release them to their respective mothers. MWAHHAHAHA! Then I'll relax for a while, get cleaned up and head down to the Revolver again tomorrow night for some fun. Dancing, drinking and a little fun. Maybe a lot of fun if things go right. We'll just have to see.

Bonjour!

Day 205: Some days...

Just once I wish the higher ups in my company would say "[FOXTROT] the business needs, let's give the techs a break." Not only did we have to do a 12 hour shift, it was only the Las Vegas center that got screwed. The other two centers were released after 10 hours. Talk about giving preferential treatment. And they wonder why we don't believe in the team mentality. As a team everybody pulls the same load, not one third of the team pulling the load for everyone. It's bullshit.

And to add a bit of stupidity to injury, they "rewarded" us with a lunch buffet from Famous Daves BBQ. Oh joy, fatty, oversauced, overcooked meats and carb laden sides. I had one piece of brisket and didn't like it. Thanks, but no. I'll stick with my yogurt, protein powder and cashews. And while everyone else was dropping into a carb coma after lunch, I was still pushing to get tickets closed and take calls. Thanks to my healthy choice.

A serious NSV at work as well. One of the guys in a different department had to do a double take because he wasn't sure it was me, and this is someone who sees me every day. He said that the way I look changed so much in just a few days that he didn't recognize me at first. He asked how much I've lost and when I said I had lost 162 pounds his reaction was, "You lost one of me! That's amazing!" I couldn't help smiling at that.

Cindy lost another two pounds this week, and she's just 28 short pounds away from onederland. I know she wants to lose more weight faster, but as long as she loses the weight, that's the important thing. Believe me, I understand how disheartening it can be to lose very little or even none whatsoever after everything we've gone through with this surgery. That's one of the reasons we act as each other's support. Combination of cheerleader and counselor is what we do for each other. Cheer on the good days, listen and sympathize on the bad. Lean on each other when we need it, celebrate when it's deserved, and a kick in the ass when nothing else is getting through.

Well, that covers my thoughts for today. I'll be back tomorrow.

Do Svidanja!

Day 204: Too much overtime and a bit of relief

Ugh. We had a major outage today and we had to pull a 12 hour shift. Not fun. About 6 pm, my supervisor called me back to have our meeting. As I suspected, I was getting written up for a violation of policy. In this case, surfing the internet when not on break. And on Facebook, no less. I didn't argue it, didn't defend it, just said "Ok, let me sign the paper. You caught me, I'll correct it. But you know I'm not the only tech that does it. I'm just the one you caught." Truth be told, I was relieved that it really was so minor. A first level write up is something to learn from and let it correct your mistake. I refuse to lose my job for Facebook. Of course, I warned some other techs about it but I don't think they will take it seriously unless they get written up for the same thing. Well, that's their problem, not mine. I'll correct my mistake and move on.

After a 12 hour day, I'm tired as Hell. I'm going to watch a movie and then hit the sack. At least two hours OT tomorrow, possibly more if that damn outage isn't resolved.

Dewa Mata!

Day 203: A good support group meeting

I bit the bullet and went to the meeting and it was really good. This time, it was led by Dr. Atkinson, the surgeon who performed my surgery and the meeting was really amazing. He answered so many questions and provided so much insight regarding the medical side of...everything we do in this journey. He confirmed my suspicion about the pain killers and my plateau with the weight loss. And there were so many things that he spelled out clearly that in other meetings were never really clarified. It was a really good meeting. Candace put up with it for about an hour and then she was ready to go, so I didn't get the whole meeting, but I got enough of it to make me happy. No drama, no issues, no talking behind my back, just a good meeting.

It was definitely better than most of my day was. 10 hours due to the 2 hours of overtime. Yack. Ah well, it's extra money on my paycheck and that will come in handy for my trip to Bakersfield at the beginning of September. I have lots of friends that have been asking me when I'm coming back for a visit and I'll be telling them I'll be there for Labor Day shortly. I'm definitely going to be inviting them to come visit Vegas. That's one of the reasons I keep a Guest room ready. You never know when someone could just show up for a visit.

Work...[sigh] My supervisor wanted to speak to me at the end of the day, but I didn't have time to hang around after work so she said we would talk about it tomorrow. I'm probably getting written up for some minor violation of company policy. Worst case scenario, I'm getting fired. I don't think that's the case, but the way things go you never know. I'm getting myself properly psyched either way. I'm going in expecting the worst, hoping for the best, and likely the reality will be in between the two extremes. I just hate not knowing.

I'll know tomorrow.

Tschuss!

Day 202: Monday Weigh-in

[Blows out breath] Ok, I got up, did the necessary, and said my mantra. I stepped on the scale, and...2 pounds down. I can't tell you how happy I was to see that loss after 3 weeks of no loss. I hope this is an indication that my body is back in loss mode and I can continue down from here. My losses to date are 2 pounds for the week, 135 pounds since surgery, and 162 pounds overall.

Blogger's back to normal so I can continue my entry for today. I just found out that I have to do at least 3 days of mandatory overtime this week (2 hours per day) and possibly (probably) Friday as well, so I may not be able to go to the live support group this month. I can't say that I'm all that chuffed about missing it if I do. I know there are some talkers around there that are talking about me behind my back after the meetings because of my situation with Cindy. We broke up,but we decided to remain friends. I'll tell the truth, I want more than that, but that's no one's business but mine and Cindy's. Whether I look at her, talk to her, respond to her, that's between me and Cindy and no one else's [FOXTROT]ing business. Find someone else to watch, you drama mamas. Stay out of my business unless you want me to call you out at the meeting. Because I'll be loud and embarrass everyone in there when I do. I won't call out names, but I'll make sure that everyone knows that the list of suspects is EXTREMELY short. And if they step up and challenge me back they will find out I don't back off from a fight especially when I'm in the right. Of course, if that happens, I will NEVER go back to one of those meetings and I'll make sure to post it on the weight loss center's FB page.

We'll see.

Adios.