Sorry, loyal readers, but the muse is still in reboot mode. I'll get back to the writing soon enough.
Adios!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Day 255: Nothing to say today
I'm still reeling a bit from yesterday's post and I'll need a little time to refocus and reboot my muse. Today just doesn't feel conducive to writing this blog. I'll be back later.
Ciao!
Ciao!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Day 254: Admission of the truth
As I mentioned in my prior post, I've been ruminating on something for a while now, and I've gotten the whole thing worked out in my head now and I'm going to talk about it with absolute honesty now.
I started this blog to record my own weight loss journey, but I also use writing as a form of therapy to get hings off my mind. I find that if I'm in some sort of emotional turmoil, the writing helps me deal with it. Anyone that has been following my blog from the beginning or has read the entire blog from the beginning knows the turmoil I've been dealing with for the last 10 months. Now I can justify anything I write about as examining my mental state which is just as important to weight loss as anything else, but when I start questioning my own motives for writing about something, it's time to do some serious self examination. My recent posts about my amorous activities with Stephanie are a prime example of this. I can say that I'm sharing this with my loyal readers because they want to know how my life is progressing or that a particular review might help out another person having similar issues. I can say all that, but I had an eye-opening discussion with Cindy about those posts and she told me how hard it is for her to read these posts and that maybe she should stop following the blog. MY initial, defensive reaction in my head was "No one is forcing you to read my blog. This is my blog and I can write about anything I want." But the reaction I gave to her was one of sympathy. That made me start thinking about what I've been doing. Consciously, I don't want to cause Cindy any pain or discomfort. But subconsciously, I suppose I've been doing it intentionally knowing that she reads the blog. Once I actually admitted to myself that it was possible that I did that, I had to acknowledge what I was doing. Stephanie probably wouldn't like me talking about it either.
Now for the hardest part of this blog entry. Knowing that I caused Cindy pain, however unconsciously, isn't my modus operandi. I have to acknowledge what I did and I can't justify it to myself. If I can't justify it to myself, I can't expect to justify it to anyone else. What I did was wrong.
Cindy, I'm sorry that you were hurt by what I wrote. I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't do it consciously, but I know I did it.
I also owe an apology to my loyal readers for doing what I did. Many of you would support me, but as I said, if I can't justify it to myself, I won't expect anyone else to accept it either.
Do svidanja.
I started this blog to record my own weight loss journey, but I also use writing as a form of therapy to get hings off my mind. I find that if I'm in some sort of emotional turmoil, the writing helps me deal with it. Anyone that has been following my blog from the beginning or has read the entire blog from the beginning knows the turmoil I've been dealing with for the last 10 months. Now I can justify anything I write about as examining my mental state which is just as important to weight loss as anything else, but when I start questioning my own motives for writing about something, it's time to do some serious self examination. My recent posts about my amorous activities with Stephanie are a prime example of this. I can say that I'm sharing this with my loyal readers because they want to know how my life is progressing or that a particular review might help out another person having similar issues. I can say all that, but I had an eye-opening discussion with Cindy about those posts and she told me how hard it is for her to read these posts and that maybe she should stop following the blog. MY initial, defensive reaction in my head was "No one is forcing you to read my blog. This is my blog and I can write about anything I want." But the reaction I gave to her was one of sympathy. That made me start thinking about what I've been doing. Consciously, I don't want to cause Cindy any pain or discomfort. But subconsciously, I suppose I've been doing it intentionally knowing that she reads the blog. Once I actually admitted to myself that it was possible that I did that, I had to acknowledge what I was doing. Stephanie probably wouldn't like me talking about it either.
Now for the hardest part of this blog entry. Knowing that I caused Cindy pain, however unconsciously, isn't my modus operandi. I have to acknowledge what I did and I can't justify it to myself. If I can't justify it to myself, I can't expect to justify it to anyone else. What I did was wrong.
Cindy, I'm sorry that you were hurt by what I wrote. I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't do it consciously, but I know I did it.
I also owe an apology to my loyal readers for doing what I did. Many of you would support me, but as I said, if I can't justify it to myself, I won't expect anyone else to accept it either.
Do svidanja.
Day 253: I know I missed a day!
I couldn't even come up with a good "blank blank blank" post, so I decided to let it go yesterday. With changing my goal weight, that means the weight loss phase of my journey is almost completed. Then I move into my maintenance phase and see if I can just stay at that weight for a while. I'm very excited to be this close to my goal weight and I'm curious if I had stayed with my goal of 200 pounds if I would have reached it in a year. Of course, my body might just continue to drop weight whether I want to or not. I've been doing some research and if I can start building up my muscles, that would fill up the loose skin and minimize any future surgeries I might need to consider. For what the skin removal surgery would cost, I could get corrective surgery on my eyes and do away with my glasses. Something more to consider.
I do have something more significant to discuss, but I'm still ruminating it in my head and I will post it when I've given it more significant thought.
Adios!
I do have something more significant to discuss, but I'm still ruminating it in my head and I will post it when I've given it more significant thought.
Adios!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Day 251: Monday weigh-in and a decision
I woke up, skipped the mantra, did the necessary and then stepped on the scale for a weigh in this morning of 235 pounds. That's 6 pounds lost over the last week. I'm actually very impressed by that. I woke up expecting to see no movement whatsoever, and I see a 6 pound loss. I can work with that. But I noticed a couple of things today that made me make some new decisions. The first thing was my face. I've got bones and hollows appearing that weren't there before and it's a little disconcerting. The second thing is my hands. I have veins and tendons appearing and that is also a little disconcerting. I'm thinking that the people around me that are saying I should stop losing weight are right. My doctor said it, my parents and sister said it, even Cindy hinted at it a couple of times. I've decided that I'm resetting my goal weight to 225 pounds. With my height and build, that will be a good weight for me. Once I stabilize that weight, I can look into the skin removal surgery and that will probably remove another 10 to 15 pounds.
Goals and attitudes can change over the long course of weight loss, and I'm a perfect example of that. I thought I wanted to make that 200 pound goal more than anything else, but I really just want to be healthy and happy. I think that I won't be that healthy at 200 pounds. I think that extra 25 pounds would be all muscle and I don't want to lose any muscle. If I'm not healthy, I know I won't be happy.
Do videnja!
Goals and attitudes can change over the long course of weight loss, and I'm a perfect example of that. I thought I wanted to make that 200 pound goal more than anything else, but I really just want to be healthy and happy. I think that I won't be that healthy at 200 pounds. I think that extra 25 pounds would be all muscle and I don't want to lose any muscle. If I'm not healthy, I know I won't be happy.
Do videnja!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Day 250: my own milestone
So today is day 250 since my surgery. I consider that a milestone to be acknowledged. 250 days since I underwent the surgery that has made such a major change in my life. I'm currently 179 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight as an adult. I've dropped 4 shirt sizes and 7 pants sizes. I'm borderline getting into a size 40 jeans, but I'm not going to buy another pair of jeans until I get into size 38s. It's just not going to happen. I will probably buy a couple of pairs of slacks here before too long since all of my current slacks are size 46's and they are just too big for me to wear. I'm going to wear them for the time being, but they are too big. My body proportions have changed at every level, and I really wasn't expecting the changes at the degree I'm seeing. I have lost not only weight, but I also lost something that was exceptionally precious to me. I know I haven't really gotten over that yet, but Stephanie is helping me in that regard. I have reconnected with old friends and made new ones. I have learned to acknowledge my limitations and weaknesses and to counter them with my new capabilities and strengths. I've acknowledged within myself that I can't please everyone and I can't even like certain people, no matter who may want me to like them. Not only is it not going to happen (ever), but in one case, the person in question has become and always will be my Mortal Enemy. If it ever comes down to a fight between us, I'll unleash every nasty trick I've picked up over the years and show them a whole new level of physical pain.
I've said it before, I'm a warrior by nature and I have no qualms against using my training and trickery in combat. I'm stronger and faster than I used to be, and that's impressive all by itself. I've decided that if someone steps in and takes something from me, they deserve no less than my undying enmity. If someone is foolish enough to decide to fight me, then they deserve no less than maiming or destruction by my hand. I will no longer just sit back and let someone take from me. I'm no longer going to be an emotional tampon, a punching bag, or a banker. If the only time I hear from you is when you're needing something from me, not any other time, then I know we're not friends anymore and I don't need to bend over backwards to help you any further.
If my words have hurt you, then you're one of the people who have hurt me and you know how you have treated me in the past and you have a very short timeframe to apologize for any wrong you have done me. If you have taken advantage of my good nature and willingness to help those I care for, if you want to keep me in your circle of friends, you had best start treating me as I deserve to be treated. I am not going to apologize for standing up for myself ever again.
Good night.
I've said it before, I'm a warrior by nature and I have no qualms against using my training and trickery in combat. I'm stronger and faster than I used to be, and that's impressive all by itself. I've decided that if someone steps in and takes something from me, they deserve no less than my undying enmity. If someone is foolish enough to decide to fight me, then they deserve no less than maiming or destruction by my hand. I will no longer just sit back and let someone take from me. I'm no longer going to be an emotional tampon, a punching bag, or a banker. If the only time I hear from you is when you're needing something from me, not any other time, then I know we're not friends anymore and I don't need to bend over backwards to help you any further.
If my words have hurt you, then you're one of the people who have hurt me and you know how you have treated me in the past and you have a very short timeframe to apologize for any wrong you have done me. If you have taken advantage of my good nature and willingness to help those I care for, if you want to keep me in your circle of friends, you had best start treating me as I deserve to be treated. I am not going to apologize for standing up for myself ever again.
Good night.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Day 249: Another observation and a very personal review
Stephanie came over today and at one point, we were just sitting and talking and she mentioned that I'm turning into all angles. She said that my shoulders and chest just seem to form a single block of bone and muscle. That actually made me feel really good to hear that said. I'm losing my curves from my flab and becoming the angular man I used to be. That means Stephanie and I are going to match up nicely since she's all curves, which I like.
I'm about to do a review of a very personal sexual nature, so I'm giving my disclaimer/warning as usual now.If you don't want to read it or are easily offended, I recommend stopping your perusal of my blog now and I will just offer you a pleasant "have a good one" as you log off.
Last chance...
No going back from here...
Now that the easily offended have been weeded out...
Stephanie mentioned a new toy she had read about called the "WeVibe". It's a small, flexible vibrator that stimulates both the clitoris and the g-spot simultaneously. It's also small enough to use during sex so the male get stimulated by the vibrations as well. If you buy it locally, it will run about 150.00. You can buy it directly from the manufacturer for 99.00. I found it on Amazon for 60.00 plus shipping. The vibrator is about 7 inches long and normally in a horseshoe shape, but as I said,it's flexible. It's covered in a medical grade silicon and has a charging socket that is covered by the silicon so when you remove the charger, the silicon just closes over the socket. The controls are also on the same end as the charger, a simple one button control that cycles through the 7 settings. All in all, it's a fun little device. We discovered that to get the vibrator positioned properly, it needs to be lubed pretty well with a personal lubricant such as Wet. The lube also helps with the man penetrating once the vibe is in place. Once we got the vibe in position, Stephanie started responding immediately. Once I achieved penetration, She was less than a minute from orgasm. by the time I reached orgasm, she had a second orgasm. All in all, this was one of the better purchases I've made for a partner to share. If you want something to spice up the sex life, I highly recommend the WeVibe.
Do Videnja!
I'm about to do a review of a very personal sexual nature, so I'm giving my disclaimer/warning as usual now.If you don't want to read it or are easily offended, I recommend stopping your perusal of my blog now and I will just offer you a pleasant "have a good one" as you log off.
Last chance...
No going back from here...
Now that the easily offended have been weeded out...
Stephanie mentioned a new toy she had read about called the "WeVibe". It's a small, flexible vibrator that stimulates both the clitoris and the g-spot simultaneously. It's also small enough to use during sex so the male get stimulated by the vibrations as well. If you buy it locally, it will run about 150.00. You can buy it directly from the manufacturer for 99.00. I found it on Amazon for 60.00 plus shipping. The vibrator is about 7 inches long and normally in a horseshoe shape, but as I said,it's flexible. It's covered in a medical grade silicon and has a charging socket that is covered by the silicon so when you remove the charger, the silicon just closes over the socket. The controls are also on the same end as the charger, a simple one button control that cycles through the 7 settings. All in all, it's a fun little device. We discovered that to get the vibrator positioned properly, it needs to be lubed pretty well with a personal lubricant such as Wet. The lube also helps with the man penetrating once the vibe is in place. Once we got the vibe in position, Stephanie started responding immediately. Once I achieved penetration, She was less than a minute from orgasm. by the time I reached orgasm, she had a second orgasm. All in all, this was one of the better purchases I've made for a partner to share. If you want something to spice up the sex life, I highly recommend the WeVibe.
Do Videnja!
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