A conversation between me and the various voices in my head
[Clearly, there is a brouhaha going on with the boys as I
stick my head in to investigate the ruckus.]
ME: What the hell’s going on in here?
The Ranger (TR): Sir, Feral’s straining at his chains again
because of the incident with Cindy and Fat Kid keeps pushing his way out of his
room.
ME: Isn’t it your job to keep those two under control?
TR: My job is make sure that you suck it up and keep going,
no matter what the odds are and no matter how tough it gets. This babysitting
shit sucks!
Fat Kid(FK): You don’t see it! I’m never gonna get somebody who was as good as Cindy. We were
lucky to have her in our lives and we fucked it all up! We lost her forever!
Feral(FE): LET ME GO, YOU DOOR-KICKING PIECE OF SHIT! I’M GONNA
LET HER KNOW EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER BREAKING OUR HEART AND LEAVING US FOR
SOMEONE LESS THAN WHAT WE ARE AND WILL BE! [GROWLS]
FK: This is all your fault, Feral! You just had to get out
and say what you said and now she’s not even our friend! [starts blubbering]
TR: Enough of this, both of you! [Struggles with holding onto the chain and
pushing FK’s door closed]
FE: THINK YOU’RE TOUGH ENOUGH TO HOLD ME, RANGER? I DON’T!
LET ME LOOSE AND I’LL TAKE CARE OF THE FAT KID AND CINDY AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO
HURT US!
FK: I’ve been here longer than any of you! I’ve kept us safe
from getting hurt by being too afraid to talk to women and just going with the
flow of things.
TR: Sir, this is really getting out of hand! I can’t do this
alone!
ME: You’re right, Ranger. Let me take this chain for a bit.
{Grabs Feral’s Chain] Now listen up, Feral! I let you loose when Cindy told us
what she told us because I needed you on the front line that day to keep me
from breaking down into a heap at work. I should have put you back in your cage
instead of letting you go further, but I didn’t. That was one of my many
mistakes that day. You have your time and place, but you’re going back in the
cage for now. I’ll let you loose when you’re needed again.
FE: [unintelligible howling of rage and fury]
[The Cage locks and Feral goes dormant]
TR: What about the Fat Kid, Sir?
Me: I got this, too. Look, Fat Kid, I admit you had the run
of the place around here for a long time, but I’m not you. Not any more. We can’t
be afraid and we can’t keep holding on to what we lost hoping we’ll get it
back. Cindy made her decision and like it or not, we can’t change that. We have
to go on and be happy with what we have. The problem here is that you still see
us as the Fat Kid and we’re not that person anymore. We’ve lost the weight. Sometimes,
when things change in our lives, everything has to change with it. Not just our
bodies, but our minds and our circumstances have to change too. When someone walks
away from us, it just means their part in our story has come to an end. But our
story has to go on.
FK:[blubbering] But
we still love her, shouldn’t that count for something?
ME: Not in this case. She made a decision for herself, and I
can’t fault her for that. I don’t have to like it, but I will respect it. We
have to let go of the things from the past that hurt us and move towards the
future. When the right one comes along, we’ll know it. Look in the mirror: your
mirror shows you what you see, but it’s not reality. This is our reality now:
Stronger, thinner and better than we were before. We’re different enough that we got Sylvana’s
attention, remember? And our success has inspired both Cindy and Stephanie and
who knows how many other people? That’s our reality now. We can’t worry about
what was. We have to focus on what is. The single most important thing for us
to remember is that Candace looks to us for guidance, for everything. She is
the single most important thing for us to worry about now, not whether we have
a romantic factor in our life. I’ll
admit that I convinced myself that once we lost our weight Cindy would come
back, but that was a delusion at best. She might come back into our life later,
but not right now
FK: Do you think we’ll have another chance?
ME: We can’t think like that anymore, Fat Kid. We have to
let go of the past. And you need to get back in your room. You’ll always be a
part of us, but you can’t be in control anymore.
ME: [I shut the door and hear the latch click] Sorry,
Ranger.
TR: It’s ok to cry, Sir. I know how much you’re hurting.
ME: Thanks. You’re doing a good job.
TR: Time to Ranger Up, sir. We have a day to get through.
ME: You’re right.
