Saturday, April 30, 2011

Day 110: Saturday!

I slept in a little today, til about 730 and then got up, had my protein shake and started cleaning up my condo. A little today, a little tomorrow and it will be good to go for the week. I got all my protein in and most of my water so far. I'm having an internal debate about going out tonight. Do I or don't I and if I do, where do I go? Calico Jack's or Revolver or maybe something completely different? The Double Down was fun last night, but I can't see myself going there too regularly. Not yet, anyway.

I'm going to finish watching Knight and Day and make a decision about tonight. I don't have to go out, but I'm feeling like I should go out and get out of the condo again tonight. I feel like if I try to lay down and go to sleep, it will be a wasted effort. I might as well go out and burn off some of this excess energy. Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight...get down tonight!


Friday, April 29, 2011

Day 109: Friday!!!!!

So here's the second one for today. It's 11:47 pm, so I still got it in today.

Shut up. Remember, my blog, my rules.

Anyway, work was actually pretty quiet today, which is always good for a Friday. The only thing that would have been better is if it were a payday. I did 4 laps walking at work, got all my protein and water in, and treated myself to a trip out to a little dive bar called the Double Down Saloon. This place is the classic dive bar. Smoky, dark, small and cheap drinks. Loud music and all sorts of people to hang out with and talk to. They have this house drink called "Ass Juice". I know it sounds awful (doesn't look a whole lot better, either) but it tastes really good. Has one hell of a kick, too. I had one shot of this stuff and I was buzzed. After a second shot I was tipsy and I decided to stop there and drink water and get my head unfuzzed. The band started up and my ears are still ringing. About 11 I decided to call it quits and head for home.

I had a good time and I'm going to do that more often to change up the routine.


Day 108: Darn it,late again!

Sorry, loyal readers. I had my daughter with me last night and we got distracted and I forgot to write the blog. So I'll do two today.

Just like people at work have noticed how little I eat, I've noticed how much a lot of them eat. Admittedly, they have normal sized stomachs and can eat as much as they do, but I didn't eat that much even before my surgery. Another thing I noticed is how sedentary most of them are. My breaks and at least half of my lunch is spent walking. Far less than 10 percent of my co-workers walk at all. Some go outside and smoke, a very small percentage walk, but most just sit at their desks or go into the break room to watch TV. I find that a little disturbing, mostly because they aren't exercising their minds or bodies. Admittedly, up until this last February, I wasn't any different other than I would read as opposed to just watch TV. I know I kind of sound like a workout Nazi saying all this, but some of these people I work with are close friends and a few could definitely benefit from working out more and a handful would definitely benefit from the surgery. I know the particular surgery I underwent is very hardcore and scary, and it's a very personal decision that requires an absolute dedication to a lifestyle change that a lot of people can't do. I just want my friends to get healthier. But I won't preach to them about it or make it a point of discussion. It has to be their decision.

If they do decide to get the surgery, I will happily support their decision and give them all the support they will need. I know one in particular is going to be scheduled for her surgery here next week and I'm very happy for her. I will provide any support she needs over the next few weeks and try to encourage her walking and later exercising.

Do Svidanja!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Day 107: Contemplations on the near future

I'm losing weight so rapidly that I'm well past where I thought I would be in June. I figured I would be at the 100 pound mark in June, but here it is still April and I'm at the 125 pound mark already. I keep expecting to stall out but it hasn't happened yet. I could conceivably make my goal weight without ever stalling out. My goal weight is only 95 pounds away now and that is really motivating me. I don't have a problem with eating the wrong things because my stomach rebels if I do. I get regular exercise and that feels great. I get all my protein and water which keeps me energized. I get plenty of sleep so I'm good to go there.

This whole thing is a journey that I'm making and it feels great right now. My mood swings are just par for the course, as is the hair loss. Both of those are temporary issues and they will go away in time. Things are going to change further and get better as I go along. My attitude is changing a bit as well. I'm more confident, but it's also tempered by patience. The one thing I've noticed is that my selflessness is now far more turned down. I've got a bit of selfishness going on right now and that's a good thing, I suppose. I have to put myself and my needs first, at least for a while. More importantly, I'm going to put some of my wants first from now on. Anybody that doesn't like that can just deal with it. I'm done bending over backwards for others. With the exception of my daughter, anyone else's wants or needs come second to my own. If I'm going to do something from now on it's going to be because I want to do it, not because someone else needs me to do it. And if I don't want to do it, I'm going to say "No". My friends will understand. Anybody that decides to take offense at my decision can just stay out of my life. If they think their wants or needs are more important than my own, they are wrong. Period. And if I do decide to put their needs first, you can bet that I'm going to want to be acknowledged for my actions.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Day 106: Soooorrrrre...

Oof. I'm sore in places I didn't know I had muscles to get sore. I guess I overdid it yesterday with my workout. Well, I went to the pool with my daughter and tried to do some water work. Too cold to bother with that. I hit the water and felt hypothermia start to set in. I got out and we went to the spa for about half an hour. Made my muscles relax a little and I felt better afterwards. I did 4.5 laps at work today and got all my protein and water in today so I feel pretty good about that.

I'll be back to my workout tomorrow, hopefully a little tougher than yesterday. I am noticing that I'm able to get further on my walks in the same amount of time, which is a good thing. My stomach is getting better at tolerating solids, with the exception of breads and beef. Breads really do a job on my stomach right now. I just hope I get more and more tolerance as time goes along.

Not a whole lot else to say today, so I'll stop there.


Monday, April 25, 2011

Day 105: Monday weigh-in

I said my mantra and climbed on the scales this morning. My current body weight is 295 pounds, a 4 pound loss from last week, 98 pounds lost since surgery, and 125 pounds lost overall. That was the good news. The bad news is I had a sizable amount of hair come out when I was styling my hair this morning. Not a few strands (which I'm used to) but it was all over the sink, all over my hands, pretty much everywhere. Not fun. I'm not exactly surprised by this, it happens to all sleeve patients, but it's a little upsetting when it does happen. Oh well. It will start growing back soon enough.

I'm very excited with my weight loss right now. 125 pounds in less than 4 months is amazing to me. Especially since I have my 25 year high school reunion coming up at the end of June. I would be ecstatic if I could hit my goal weight by then, but that's too much to hope for, even if I seriously upped my workout routines. Whatever I get down to by then I'll be happy with. Maybe I can drop another 20 to 30 pounds by then without any issue. But again, whatever I get down to I'll be happy with.

I'll probably need to rent a suit for the reunion, so I need to get some measurements taken as close as possible to the day of the reunion and still be able to get the suit in time. I have no intention of buying a suit until I get down to my goal weight. I'll buy a couple of pairs of slacks or jeans as I need to and shirts I can wear for a good long time until they are too big for me to wear without swimming in them. And I'm going to need to get those slacks and such here shortly. The size 48 jeans I just bought are almost too big to wear now, so I'll be ordering some 46s in slacks and jeans shortly.

I did go and work out my arms and chest pretty heavily today and I got all my protein and water in without a problem. I did 4 laps walking at work today and that felt pretty good. I'm going to continue the workout as much as I can and keep whittling away at those numbers


Sunday, April 24, 2011

Day 104: BMI calculator

My head really isn't in a whole lot better place than yesterday, but I'm not going to make another No comment post so I decided to throw together a quick blog about the Body Mass Index, or BMI.

The BMI is a measure of body fat based on height and weight that applies to both men and women. Your primary physician, the surgeon and the insurance company will all use this measurement to determine if you qualify for any sort of weight loss surgery. This measurement alone is not the final determining factor by any stretch of the imagination. Typically if you're BMI is 30 or higher and you are 100 pounds or more overweight, you qualify for the surgery. Other health factors that would be alleviated by the weight loss such as diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea are also considered when you are being qualified for the surgery. Your BMI may not be over 30, but if you have any of these health conditions, you will probably be qualified for the surgery.

Anyway, when I really started looking seriously into the surgery, I weighed 420 pounds. At 6 feet tall, that made my BMI 57.0. That made me Obese class III. I'm fairly certain that's another way of saying "Morbidly Obese". I calculated this morning based on my current body weight of 299 pounds and my BMI is now 40.5. I'm still that Obese class III, but I'm much closer to dropping into the Obese class II now. By the way, Obese class III is the highest measurement they bother with.

Now the BMI is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. For example, my goal weight of 200 pounds would make my BMI 27.1 and I would still qualify as overweight. To be at a normal BMI, I would have to get down to 183 pounds which would make my BMI 24.8. The smallest I've been as an adult was 175 pounds, and that was right out of Basic Training. I looked like a concentration camp victim. The BMI does not take into account things like skeletal and muscle structure.

Anyway, here's the link to the BMI calulator that I use:

Do Svidanja!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Day 103: No comment

Sorry, loyal readers, but I've got too much personal shit going on today to talk about just weight loss or this journey. My head is not in the place I need it to be to write this blog today. I don't know if it will be tomorrow, either.

Signing off.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Day 102: Noticing things.

Any time a person undergoes massive weight loss, things change and some are really visibly noticeable. The weight loss changes the way the body looks, even the way the face looks. Those things are really visible to everyone. But there are somethings that you just kind of gloss over until it really sinks in and you say "Hey! That's different!"

For me, the first one of those events was two weeks after surgery. I was down 29 pounds and while I was waiting for my doctor, I was able to cross my legs while sitting. I was just sitting there and all of a sudden it hit me that I crossed my legs without having to pull up my leg with my hands and my leg was actually crossed over, not just my ankle hooked on my knee (barely). Things that people without a weight problem just take for granted are miraculous when you can do them. It almost seems ridiculous, but it's a huge morale booster.

The second one that I noticed was when I was able to sit down, bend over and tie my shoes without pulling my foot up on the bed to do it. Again, it just kind of hit me that I was doing it. Another "wow!" moment for me.

The third...Well, I've discussed it a couple of times in the past and it's the same physical thing that I discussed before so I'm not going to go into the details this time. See days 64 and 80 for the gross details. Let's just say the word "hello!" comes to mind. Or "schwing!". Both work in this case.

The fourth was when I pulled my engineers boots on and I didn't have to fight them over my feet or up my calves. They just slipped on without any effort and they actually fit a little loose. That was amazingly cool for me.

Today I had a couple of these "Hey!" moments. One was during my walk this morning and as I was walking, I noticed my arms weren't brushing my sides. Again, just all of a sudden realized it. The second was when I had to use the restroom and the big stall was in use and I stepped into a standard stall and I took care of everything without having to perform any of the seven basic ballet movements. I know, it seems really silly, but that was a huge development for me.

As good as the big changes make you feel, these little changes feel pretty good too. Little changes that add up to getting where you want to be with your weight.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Day 101: Reload!

As promised, this blog will focus on my weight loss journey, not my personal issues. If needed, I'll start a new blog to cover that.

I thought that today I would go over my daily intakes and exercise regimen for those who might be wondering what I'm doing to consistently lose my weight.

My breakfast consists of an 8 ounce protein shake made with GNC's Wheybolic Extreme 60 vanilla flavor powder and Almond milk. The vanilla has a good flavor and the almond milk adds essential fats to the mix which I need. The Wheybolic Extreme 60 powder adds 40 grams of protein and 180 calories.The unsweetened almond milk I use adds 60 calories and 1 gram of protein. Total protein intake: 41 grams. Total calories: 240 calories. This is also when I take the multitude of supplements that I need. By taking them with the shake, the shake coats my stomach and makes it easier for my stomach to tolerate the supplements.

Midmorning I take half of a protein shot. I use the protica Profect 50. Half of that shot is 25 grams of protein and 100 calories. It also provides a slew of necessary nutrients, including vitamin c and biotin.

Midmorning is also my first walk. I take a brisk 10-12 minute walk around the perimeter of my office.

Lunch is 4 ounces of greek yogurt with a tablespoon each of Chia seeds and Pure protein powder. The Chia seeds provide fiber and when they expand, help to fill me up. Total protein intake: 15 grams. Calorie intake: 100 calories. I also take another walk after eating.

Midafternoon is the other half of the protein shot and another walk.

Dinner varies a bit, and I don't worry the calories so much as the protein intake. It's usually between 10 and 20 grams of protein.

Some days I will go work out. The workout consists of bicep curls, tricep pulldowns, lat pull downs, and bench/shoulder presses. I usually do 3 sets of 15 from 30-50 pounds on each exercise. This is one of the things where the number of sets is more important than the actual weight involved. A longer workout burns more calories. I finish the workout with a 20-30 minute walk on the treadmill.

The end of the day involves some kind of snack, either a Yoplait dessert yogurt of a frozen fruit bar. The dessert yogurt is 100 calories and 5 grams of protein. The frozen fruit bars range from 80 to 120 calories and 0 to 3 grams of protein.

So my total protein intake ranges from 126 to 141 grams of protein per day and about 600-700 calories. My exercise ranges from 30 to 90 minutes. I've been very lucky in that I haven't stalled yet and I have had decent losses per week.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Day 100: Time to tell the whole story.

Well, in my need to talk about things and get them off my mind I caused more damage. I owe everyone the whole story, not just my half of it. This is going to be a long and painful one, but I have to do this.

First, I owe a very public apology to that certain person. This blog is supposed to be about my weight loss journey, not her and not the issues between us. She asked me not to write about her and I have been because it is what has been on my mind. Mental state has a huge impact on the weight loss and by writing about something I get it off my mind. That's no excuse for what I did, though and I am sorry.

After this story loyal readers, you may not be so loyal to me. I made the decision to tell my side of the story. Now it's time for the whole story.

This whole mess started back in 2005, when I met Darci through my gaming group. The whole thing started as a teacher/student kind of thing. She looked up to me as a mentor and I saw her as someone who needed a strong older friend that she could come to if she needed advice or wanted someone to listen. After a few months, something changed. I was picking up on a signal she was giving off that she wanted more. My wife Connie was never the most affectionate type and now I had this smart, funny and affectionate girl showing me all sorts of affection. I recognized what was happening between us on an emotional level and I should have cut her off then and there, but I craved the affection too much. I did tell Connie the truth of what I was feeling, and that was the start of the end of our relationship. We went to counseling and we tried, but the damage was done. We divorced in January of 2007. By April, Darci had kicked me to the curb. I was devastated. I had destroyed my marriage for a chance to be with Darci and it was over.

Fast forward to July of 2007. I was perusing a singles website when I saw a picture of that certain someone. I sent a message that I was interested in meeting her. We exchanged emails and then phone numbers and after a couple of weeks, I asked her out on a date. When I met her for the first time, I felt a spark inside that I had never felt before. We went out and had a wonderful first date and our first kiss good night was explosive. We could have taken it further that first night, but we held off. We both recognized that there was something here and we didn't want to screw that up. We had 5 dates over the next 7 days. It was the most incredible time for both of us. I stopped dating anyone else and we were seeing each other exclusively. I knew far before that point that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

Fast forward 18 months. She and I are living together, engaged to be married eventually. My best friend is going through an absolutely horrible break up with his girlfriend and it makes me think that I need to reach out and try to resolve everything that happened between me and Darci. I didn't hide this, I talked to that certain person before I did anything. Next thing you know, Darci and I are friends again. Matter of fact, she invites me and Cindy to a movie night with a whole group of people. I tell Cindy about this, but not that Darci was the one who invited or that Darci would be there. That was the first fatal mistake I made in the relationship. What I didn't know is that she already knew Darci would be there. The next day, I tried to make it sound like Darci showed up unexpectedly. I lied. I should have been open and honest from the start, but I was afraid. I wanted to see my friend and I put that want ahead of the relationship. I was stupid, thoughtless, and wrong. I was so wrong for doing that. A few weeks go by and she finally confronted me on it, and we were on the verge of breaking up because of my stupidity. We worked it out, but it was never the same after that. My bro started talking to Darci to get her side of the story and Darci denied that she and I ever had a relationship, that it was all in my head. My friend showed me the transcripts and it killed me inside, that Darci would deny it outright and I cut off communications with her entirely.

Fast forward to recently: I should have just been patient and not made the WTF post. It wasn't that she was mad at me, she just has too much going on in her head and needs time alone. But because of my impatience, now she is mad at me. Another big, stupid fucking mistake on my part.

So now I'm offering an apology to you, my loyal readers for not keeping this blog about my weight loss journey as it was supposed to be and to her specifically for writing about her when I said I wouldn't.

I'm also sorry for every mistake I made during our relationship. From the situation with Darci, to making decisions without her, to not showing her the love and attention she truly, so rightly deserves. I offer no defense for these actions. They are indefensible. I can only say that I made mistakes and I try to learn from my mistakes.

Most importantly, I'm sorry for making this about her. I'm sorry for hurting her.

I'm sorry. For everything.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Day 99: WTF?

I'm really confused about the latest issues that have popped up. I'm trying to settle some things from my past so I can move towards my future, and a certain someone got all pissed of at me for accepting a friend request from Darci on Facebook. I really don't get it. Now she doesn't want to talk to me, chat with me, or anything. I just don't understand. There's nothing between Darci and I, other than a past event that we wanted to reconcile and put behind us. She needed to apologize and I needed to hear that apology and forgive her. That was all there was to it, but she just doesn't want to listen. That hurts me as much as when she broke up with me. She wanted to remain friends, but...I don't know now.

What I do know is that I did the right thing for me doing what I did. That awful, gnawing feeling that I've been carrying around for so long finally went away. I had gotten so used to it that I didn't realize it was there all that time. I'm glad to be rid of it.

I have so many people around me telling me how awesome I am for doing what I've done. They're all so impressed that despite everything, I try to maintain a cheerful disposition and offer my story and experience with the surgery to anyone that asks. And I'm beginning to believe them. I am awesome and incredible and I'm standing up straight and proud and marching to the beat of my drum now. I still love her with all my heart, but it's time for me to love myself more than someone else. If she decides to not speak with me again, if she decides that her conclusions are more important than the truth of why I did what I did, then so be it. That's her decision and a loss for both of us. I'm tired of losing friends lately. I don't want to lose anymore.

Pama Mine'.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Day 98: Monday weigh-in and acts of forgiveness.

I got on the scales this morning after repeating my mantra and saw that I lost 3 pounds this last week. That's 94 pounds lost since surgery, and 121 pounds lost overall. More importantly, it put me solidly to a body weight of 299 pounds, so I finally broke the 300 barrier. Yay me! I felt really good about that once it sunk in and I actually realized where I was. I wish everybody that had this surgery could have the kind of success I've been having. It just feels so good to see the pounds drop off.

This next part of today's entry started during my birthday party. Mei-mei was leaving and she passed on a birthday wish from someone else in my past, a girl by the name of Darci. She also passed on that Darci was sorry for what she had done to me. I told Mei-mei to give her my number so we could talk and resolve some things from the past. I'm recognizing now that to truly move forward, I have to let things in the past stay in the past. When Mei-mei told me about Darci, I knew what I had to do. For good or ill, I had to talk to her and get the past resolved. So we agreed to meet at a neutral place so we could talk and get things finished.

So we both show up and she tried to start with some small talk pleasantries, but I couldn't let it sit anymore and I told her that we had to get everything out in the open so I could let go and move forward. She immediately started apologizing for everything she did and everything she said. She didn't try to defend herself, she just explained what was going on in her head when she put me through the shitstorm that she did put me through. Once all was said and done, I thanked her for the apology and offered her my forgiveness for what was done in the past. I felt free after doing that, like something that had been gnawing on me finally let go and went away. Not only her apology, but my forgiving her made the difference. We then spent the next couple of hours talking about our significant others. Well, honestly, I spent the time talking about that certain someone and when it was all said and done, She said, "I hope and pray this all works out for you. You clearly love her in a way that you never loved me or Connie. I think she still loves you, but if us being friends is going to jeopardize you being happy with her, I'd rather walk away from here knowing you gave me the chance to apologize and you can go off and be happy with her. I hope that she will get back with you and take a chance to meet me so she will understand that I love you as a friend and as a teacher. You stepped in and showed me the way away from my darkness and into my happy place. If I never see you again, remember that you saved me and that I'll always treasure your friendship for being there when I needed you most."

With that, she walked away and I did too with tears in my eyes, knowing that I took the first step to getting to my future. My bro and I had a falling out a couple of weeks ago and I tried to call him to talk to him to thank him for trying to help even in his uncouth manner and to apologize for hanging up on him and to offer forgiveness for what he said that pissed me off so badly. I had to leave a message, but I tried to reach out. I hope he calls back.

The last thing I did in the attempt in my acts of forgiveness was to ask God to help me rid myself of the hatred I feel for someone and help me find the heart to forgive them. I also asked God to forgive me for holding that hatred the way I did. I have to let go of what happened then and focus on the now and the future.

So now I have to wait and see. It's all I can do right now.


Sunday, April 17, 2011

Day 97: A weird Sunday.

I ultimately decided to not go out last night. I figured I needed to get some good sleep so I would be rested for Monday. Also, I got super distracted by an Anime called Trinity Blood I was watching on Netflix. The story was really good and engaging. About 1030 I shut everything down and went to sleep. I strapped on my breathing machine and laid down. I did sleep some, but I know I pulled the mask off sometime during the night. I just have to get used to it again [sigh].

I woke up about 6 am and got up to watch more of the anime and have my protein shake and handful of pills. About 2-3 hours later the flushing effect hit as usual. I had one of my readers recommend taking the Simcor before bed with a Benadryl so I could sleep through the flushing, which I'm going to try tonight. I spent the day working on my hobby stuff, watching anime and drinking water. I had half of my protein shot at 10 and I'm saving the rest for before bed tonight so I can make sure I have protein in me overnight. My stomach is starting to tolerate things better, but beef is still on the no-try list. It didn't make me sick, but Bobo still isn't fond of it. Tonight I had half of a Lean Cuisine 3 meat pizza and Bobo tolerated it just fine. I put the other half in the fridge to take to work tomorrow. I'm shooting to get more solids in during the week hoping to make Bobo more tolerant of them. The yogurts are good and quick, but the goal is to be eating solid foods for every meal.

Tomorrow when I get home, I'm going to start working out again in earnest. I really think it will help me with my mood swings if I work out a little harder than I have been. I was doing better with the mood swings when I was working out so I'm going to do it for that reason. There are other reasons, but I think that's the best one.

Onto the weirdness. I've had significant contact from 4 of my ex'es today. My current ex, the one before her, my ex-wife and the ex before her. None of them were mad at me and they all had some significant reason for contacting me. I'm not going to go into any details, but it was just really weird to have them all contact me today and none of them were mad at me. Mind you, the one before my ex-wife hasn't had contact with me in 20 years, so I don't know why she would be mad at me anyway. But all of the contacts made me realize that I've been harboring a grudge that maybe I shouldn't have and I'm going to do my best to let go of that grudge. Mind you, a grudge is nothing compared to the hatred I've had burning in my heart, and I don't think that hatred is going to go away, especially now. But grudges need to be let go since they are just a drain on energy.

So now I'm sitting back, watching The Mummy trilogy and winding down for bed in a about an hour. I figured I had better get to writing when I had the chance. My weekly weigh-in is tomorrow and I'll post on that tomorrow night when I get the chance. Time for my mantra: Any loss is good, a stall is acceptable, but gain is UNACCEPTABLE.


Saturday, April 16, 2011

Day 96: A reminder of why I HATE cholesterol meds.

So this morning I got up and had my protein shake and daily pills (mostly vitamins) and added the Simcor back in per my dr's instructions. Within two hours the flushing effect from the niacin was barreling full force across my body in the form of what appeared to be a rash. It doesn't last long, maybe two hours tops, but it's still annoying as hell and gives my skin a distinctive bright red glow for that two hours. Ugh.

I went to the Karaoke Bar last night and I was going to do 5 songs, but called it quits after my 4th because I could feel my strength level begin to drop because I had been too long without my protein. I did my standards of It's a Sin, Bad to the Bone and Weekend in New England but I added a new one to the repertoire: Johnny B. Goode by Chuck Berry. I had forgotten how fast that song really is until the song started. Once I got to the groove, I was able to keep up but the first couple of lines were way ahead of me. Woof. The 5th song I was going to do was Who wants to live forever by Queen, but I dropped out of the running about 20 minutes prior to going back up. The one nice thing about monitoring my protein levels as closely as I do is I know when I have to move out and get my protein levels back up. That's what happened right before midnight last night.

Tonight I'm considering heading down to The Revolver to have some non-karaoke fun. A little drinking, a little music, some people watching (well,woman watching at any rate) and maybe a little non-line dancing when they do that. We'll see.


Friday, April 15, 2011

Day 95: AAR on my birthday party and events from today

I got to the venue for my party last night about an hour or so early to get the tables set up for my party and to tip the DJ's for their efforts for the night. They know me and they took care of me and my friends just fine last night. Soon after that, she showed up. The first to show up for my birthday party and she was looking and smelling so good that my heart started racing. She saw me and her smile just lit up her face like the sun. We went to the table and sat down and waited for the rest of my guests to arrive. The first was my Mei-mei and her hubby. Mei-mei is her nickname I gave her a long time ago. It's Chinese for "Little Sister", which is how she has been for me over the last few years. Her hubby is a good guy as well, but he's always going to be Bob to me. The next was my friend Tomara and her fiance' Rob. Tomara and I work for the same company, just in different departments. The last to show was my buddy Harry. Harry has always been a little out there, but he's a good friend and I was glad to see him show up for my party.

The Karaoke started with me doing "It's a Sin" and it was one of my better performances. Probably because she was there and loving the performance. Then I did "Lady" by Kenny Rogers and during the performance I walked right out to sing directly to her. It embarrassed her a little, but I could see how much she enjoyed the attention. My third one was "Bad to the Bone" and since that's my theme song, I was spot on with that one. After that, Mei-mei and Bob left, followed by Tomara and Rob, leaving just me, Harry and Her. My last song was "Weekend in New England" and that was spot on again since it was for her. She knew it, too. Harry left after that and She and I went outside to say our goodbyes. We hugged goodbye and I don't think either one of us really wanted to let go, but we had to. It's not time yet. Not yet.

So I went to sleep about 130 in the morning and woke up at 6am. No alarms, the ambient daylight bled in and hit my eyes waking me up and pissing me off. Rather than fighting it, I got up and had my protein shake and watched the news. Then I went to the DMV to get my license updated, new address and new picture. Then I went home and watched some Band of Brothers before going to see my Doctor. My doctor is thrilled with the weight loss, but he said my cholesterol and iron are too high, my B12 and testosterone are too low and he wants me to start using my sleep machine again before he's going to give me anything to boost my testosterone. So now I have to find a way to learn to sleep with it again. Damn it.

So now I'm going to get ready and head out for some fun tonight. I don't know where I'm going yet, but I'm going to do something fun.


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Day 94: Happy birthday to me!

I got lots of well wishes on facebook today, which made me feel very good. Work was pretty normal and slowed down near the end of the day which I love at the end of the work week. I had a few people at work say they were going to try to come out to my party which I'm hoping will be fun and unforgettable. Hopefully not just unforgettable. We're all going out to my favorite Karaoke bar with some friends outside of work and I'm planning to have a good time and sing some great songs for the crowd and my friends. That certain someone will be there tonight as well. I really hope she has a good time. I REALLY hope my moods decide to stay under control tonight. I don't think I could take Sybil at the wheel of my emotions tonight.

Right now I'm sitting back and watching "RED" and it's a pretty good little flick. A good action flick with enough humor to keep me entertained and watching. All these big names doing this flick is lots of fun to watch. It's a shame it didn't do better at the theaters. Pick it up if you have the chance.

I'm going to be dressed in my new slim fit jeans, one of my fitted t-shirts and my new shoes. I should be looking spiffy. I think I'll probably add my new jacket if it's cool out when I leave tonight. I have to be looking good for my birthday.

Do Svidanja!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day 93: 42 just around the corner

It has occurred to me that in a couple of hours I'm going to be 42 years old. 42 years old, losing weight rapidly, looking better and better with each passing week. I'm getting stronger and faster with each passing week. I've decided that starting Friday I'm going to start using the weights again. I felt better when I was lifting and it might just help with my rotator cuff issue. It will also help me strengthen and tone everything up and I think I need that right now.

I've got plans to go out with friends tomorrow night to celebrate my birthday. Some see me every day at work, some see me occasionally, but some haven't seen me since before my surgery and they are going to be amazed at the difference in me. I'm still amazed at the changes in me. The mood issues really need to go away shortly, though. It's beginning to wear on me. I hope I can find someway to just get rid of them entirely.

See y'all later!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Day 92: moodiness and another sign...

Wow. Today was one of those "Sybil at the wheel" days for my mood. I wasn't feeling real up today to begin with, and then I saw a post on FB from a certain someone about she was taking her man to a romantic dinner for his birthday tonight. That was bad enough, but some had commented on it and wished ME a happy birthday because they didn't know. Well, I let that someone know so she could delete the offending remark before too many people saw it. I understand that she's trying to make this work between them, and her post stung a little, but the following comment just really dug in and hurt. Wounds just reopened wide. My mood was down from there.

I was coming back from lunch and trying to get myself focused and on the job, but it was tough. One of the ladies that works in the building and always encourages me and tells me how great I look saw me coming back from lunch and could see something was bothering me so she pulled me to the side to ask what was wrong. I told her and she said, "Sweetie, you are so awesome at doing all of this and you are a huge inspiration to a lot of people around here. Don't let yourself down because of this. Lots of people think you are awesome. All I could think was "except the one I want." She must have read my mind because she hugged me and said, "Give her time and stay focused on what you're doing. She'll come around in time."

Well, with that I lost it and went to the restroom to cry for a few minutes and let it out. If I tried to hold it in, I wouldn't have been able to do my job effectively. Between the mood and the sudden influx of someone reaching out to touch me when I needed it, I had to cry and let it go. I didn't ask for a sign, my belief and faith is still strong that it will work out, but I guess God decided that I needed a reaffirmation. I can only say,"How may I serve thee, Lord?" I know that He's watching over me and sending me in the right directions to get to where I need to be. I'd rather something more concrete than that, but I'll take it and go along with the plan. I'm sure things will work out in time, but not right now.

My mood is still down right now, but that will pass in time. I'm now going to offer a prayer for the journey:

In my journeying with you,
may I never lose my sense of direction,
never lose sight of the landmark
towards which I travel.
And should cloud or rain obscure my vision,
may I draw closer to you,
so that my feet may tread
in your footsteps,
your words be my encouragement,
and your love my protection
against the storms that assail me.


Monday, April 11, 2011

Day 91: Monday's weigh in!

Woke up and got on the scale this morning after my Monday mantra: "Any loss is good, a stall is acceptable, gain is NOT acceptable." And yes, I do emphasize it that way. I cleared my eyes, stepped up and what did I see? Body weight of 302 lbs. That's a 7 pound loss from last week, 91 pounds since the surgery 13 weeks ago, and an overall loss of 118 pounds since I started this journey. Yay me and a big HOOOOOOOORAH! I'm feeling great and I'm getting there,week by week. It's a journey for sure, and it takes time and patience (and more than a little dedication) but it is SO worth it! I've been battling with my weight all of my life and I'm finally winning the battle. I'm a warrior by nature, so losing this battle was not an option at any point. I just needed the right weapon in my arsenal and the sleeve is that weapon.

There is another battle that I'm in right now, but no weapon in my arsenal can help me win this one. I can't guarantee a win, no matter what I do. I can keep on fighting, possibly for nothing, but I can't give up yet. Not while there's a chance I can win in the end. Every so often, I perceive a little something. A turn of phrase, a tone in the voice, a certain look in the eye. It's not a lot, but it tells me that it's not done yet. As long as as I have a chance, I will not give up. Sometimes to win the war you have to retreat from the battlefield and let the other side do as they will while you watch and wait for the chance you need. Now I'm watching and waiting. Time to tighten the bootlaces, strap on the gear, lock and load the rifle and start the march. Metaphorically speaking.

But that battle is a long way from being over. A long way. I'm putting the team into reserve until needed.

Move out!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Day 90: AAR on my Saturday and a semi-busy Sunday

My party last night went pretty well. I had a couple of conversations with people regarding my Sleeve and they were very receptive to my story. I had another lady ask me to turn around and she made mention of how good I was looking all the way around and how proud she was of my progress. She's one of the hosts of the party I go to occasionally and she's seen my weight loss first hand. Since she doesn't see me too often, I feel like when she tells me those things it's the truth. I also has a good conversation with a couple that comes out to these parties as well. All in all, a good Saturday night. After the party, I stopped in at the Revolver for a drink and some people watching. Can't line dance or two-step, so I was relegated to watching only. Saw some very attractive cougars and kittens and I think one or two had an eye on me. I hung out for about an hour and then headed for home. Oddly enough, a certain someone was there as well, but she was leaving just as I was coming in. Cest la vie!

Woke up a little before 7 this morning and went to Walmart to do some grocery shopping and then home to do some laundry and work on my hobby stuff while I watched some M*A*S*H. Headed out a little after noon to have a Sunday drive and just relax. Found out my little 4 banger ford fusion can get up to 90 without trying hard. I just plugged in my Zune player and rocked out while I was driving. The mountains were beautiful and the sun was shining bright with some white clouds in the sky.

I headed back home and continued working on my laundry. I'll get some cleaning done and rest for Monday. I have a short work week this week due to taking a day off for my Birthday. I can't wait.


Saturday, April 9, 2011

Day 89: Steppin' out on Saturday Night...

I'm going to make this one short and sweet. I'm heading to a party tonight. I'm getting close to my 300 mark (I'll actually post my weight on Monday) and I've had lots of people tell me how good I'm looking now. And you know something, they're right. I am looking good. I'm feeling good, I have everything in front of me now. My bills and weight are under control, I have money in the bank and a new car. I have a great condo with a spectacular view. I may not have anyone to share it with, but that will come in time. Or not. Maybe I should take a page from Charlie Sheen's page and get a couple of live-in girlfriends. Or maybe a rotating lineup of single women and professionals. Maybe I'm not meant to be with any one particular person. Hell, I had a woman that I dated 20 years ago look me up recently, and she's still hot.

[sigh] Who do I think I'm kidding? For me it's not just about the way a woman looks, it's as much to do with the way she makes me feel when I'm with her. Or the way she makes me feel when I hear her voice. Or the smile I have when I see her messages on chat or text. To date, there's only been one that made me feel all of that and she's with someone else now. Maybe if I have enough time, I'll forget all those things that I feel for her and just let go. God must have some reason for making me hold on to those feelings. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Good night, all.

Day 88: Thank God its Friday!

I know, Late again. My apologies. I had to work overtime and then my daughter and I had a movie and pizza night and I actually drifted off to sleep about two-thirds through the second movie and I woke up right at the end of the movie and decided it was time for bed for both of us and I was done for the night. But she and I had a good time watching the movies. It almost made up for the rotten rest of the day I had. Started off in a really foul mood. I recognized that I was in one of my ill moods. It happens about once a month and I'm ready to jump down anybody's throat whether they deserve it or not. I came to the conclusion that this mood is where my original post for this last Thursday came from and I'm really glad I didn't publish the original version. Between the mood and not getting enough sleep lately, I'm not surprised now that I haven't been feeling all that positive the last couple of days. That mood combined with a bunch of customers apparently in the same mood I was in really didn't brighten my day at all.

The brightest spot of my morning was when a certain someone chatted me and asked if I was OK. I told her that I wasn't and that I was in one of my ill moods but I did thank her for asking. It did make me feel a little better that she asked.

I'm having an internal debate about whether to restart my resistance training or not. The leader at the support group meeting I went to the other night said that the resistance training is important to strengthen our muscles and bones and that cardio alone is not enough. Hopefully the rotator cuff pain I've been dealing with the last couple of days will go away soon and I'll be able to get back to the gym.

Well, I'll post again later this afternoon to make up for the lack of an update yesterday.


Thursday, April 7, 2011

Day 87: Good day...

This morning I got up and tried on a pair of size 48 jeans. They actually fit looser than I was expecting without too much dunlap from my belly. That felt really good. My fitted t shirts aren't quite so fitted now. A little baggy now, actually. I'm clearly losing sizes now and that's a good thing as far as I'm concerned. That actually feels really good to know that.

My original entry from this point forward turned into something ugly and unpleasant and I decided to drop the whole train of thought before I hurt someone's feelings. Some of my feelings right now are better kept to myself. Not necessarily cooped up, but definitely not put out for public consumption. I have to admit that once I typed it all out I felt better for having released it, but I'm just as glad I decided to not publish it. It wouldn't have accomplished anything but hurting someone precious to me. It would serve no good purpose doing so. This is why I self-edit before I post anything.

I guess my good day all worked out for me pretty well.


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Day 86: I feel a blank slate coming on today...

86 days in and I'm drawing a blank to write about anything today. Protein's good, water's good, exercise is good. Everything is good today as far as my weight loss is concerned. I woke up with a horrible pain in my right rotator cuff and any movement of my arm much above my ribs resulted in shooting pains. Had a dull day training on something I was already trained on 2 years ago, but whatever. Then my allergies decided to kick in about half way through the training. Not a pleasant day overall. If this shoulder pain doesn't fade soon I may get my pain killers out so I can sleep through the night.

I was talking to a certain someone today and at the end of the conversation, I slipped. I said the 3 words that will simplify or complicate a relationship beyond measure. It's not that I don't feel that way or I don't want to say it, but there's so much going on right now and I don't want to stress her out about what's going on between us. She's trying to buy a new house and she's got her own sleeve coming up shortly and she doesn't need any more stress in her life right now. I want to be supportive for her right now and things will work out in time. Maybe it gave her a lift by hearing it. I hope so.

I guess I had more to talk about than I thought....


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Day 85: Support Group night!

I went to the second actual support group meeting tonight and it was packed with pre and post op patients. Sleeve, bypass, band. We were all in there. One guy just had his surgery 4 days ago and he's lost 12 pounds so far. Some people that were in there saw me at the last meeting and the exact phrase used was, "You're just melting away!" Some people that were there are 2 or more years out and they have lost 160 or more pounds. I haven't lost as much, but for being 12 weeks post op, I'd say I'm doing spectacularly well. The support group was good, but it was long. About a half-hour longer than I was expecting. But it's all good.

I wore my new jacket today. It fits me really well and is very flattering on me. Everyone at work liked it and the people at the support group liked it. I apparently made a very good choice in buying that jacket. It makes my shoulders and arms look bulkier and makes my waist look smaller. Win all around. Yay me!

Something that almost everyone has been noticing is that I've got this whole super happy energy flowing from me. Everyone mentions that I look very happy and that I'm putting out a very positive and pleasant vibe. I guess they like being around it. I wish a certain someone would spend more time around me and pick up on my positive vibes so she would feel better. Oh well.

Nothing else to say tonight, so I'm logging out now.


Monday, April 4, 2011

Day 84: Monday weigh in et al!

Stepped onto the scales this morning and I lost another 5 pounds this week. That makes my body weight 309 pounds. That makes a total weight loss of 111 pounds since I started this whole project back last thanksgiving. 27 pounds between Thanksgiving and January 10th and 84 pounds since the surgery January 10th. 84 pounds in 12 weeks is amazing. I felt really good about that this morning. With my weight loss at 111 pounds, I have reached one of my primary goals for this task, and that's I have hit my halfway mark of total weight loss. With my ultimate goal of 200 pounds and a start weight of 420, once I hit 110 pounds lost, I'm at my 50 percent point. My next goal is 299 pounds so I can be in the twofers. I'm going to really hit my workouts and walking this week and hopefully I'll hit that 299 by next week. I might be hoping for a bit on that, but I think it's doable. If I can hit 293 by my birthday, I would be ecstatic. That would be 100 pounds lost since the surgery. I think that's reaching too far, honestly. But I'm gonna give it a try.

I had my three month check up with the surgeon today and they are very pleased with the weight loss and my health in general. They said to watch my water intake and protein and to make sure I get my vitamins. Not a problem for me. So I don't see them again for 3 months unless I need to get something checked before that. I don't much like weighing in coming from work, though. I usually have at least 6 pounds of clothing on for work between my slacks and my work shirt. At home I tend to weigh in au naturel, but I don't think the surgeons office would take kindly to me giving them the complete monty just to weigh in. Oh well.

After that I had to go to the mall (much as I hate it) to get a minor repair done on my glasses and pick up some more protein shake mix from GNC. After that I went to JCPenney to get another pair of workout shorts, which I will have to return because I pulled a Duh! moment and went by the size on the hanger instead of actually checking the label inside the shorts. Then I went over to the Kai Fight shop, one of the places I like to buy some of my fitted tshirts from because I like the MMA designs a lot. They have had a jacket in there that I have had my eye on for the last few months, and I've lost enough weight to actually wear it now. When I went in and looked at it, the lady behind the counter told me that all of the jackets were 20 percent off of their marked price. Well, the jacket was marked 59.99, so I got it for about 48 dollars. A chunk of that was paid with the remnants of a gift card I got for winning a sales referral promotion at work last month so I paid less than 4o bucks for a jacket that originally sold for about 120. I like that.

Then I went home and hit the gym. Did 35 on the treadmill and left the weight training alone for now. Losing the weight is more important to me right now and the toning and building will be available later. I think to get the best results for that I will need a full on gym and a trainer. The more important part of going to the gym was the conversation I had with one of my neighbors. He asked what I had been doing to lose so much weight and I started talking about the surgery and everything else. In a very short time, I think we both realized that we have a potential for a good friendship. We're going to hang out some more later. He said, "You know, I think that you're real good people and that anyone that has spent any time with you has probably been blessed for sharing that time with you. You're gonna lose all your excess weight and get everything you want out of life."

I wasn't asking for a sign, but I'll be damned if that didn't feel like one. A new friend and a sign to remind me of what I'm wanting.

Do Svidanja!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Day 83: A restful Sunday

I slept in until 7 this morning when daylight started seeping into my room. I got up and fixed myself a breakfast of veggie breakfast sausages. I should have had some ketchup on them, they were pretty bland but with the chunks of pepper mixed in it had a nasty little kick. Bleah.

I spent the day just wandering from room to room working on my various hobby projects. Painting in one room, assembling in another, getting parts and bits together in a third. Alternated having music on in the background with watching movies on HBO or my bluray player. In all, a nice, pleasant, restful Sunday.

So I have three things going on tomorrow. My Monday weigh in, my 3 month follow up with the surgeon and restarting my workout routine in earnest. Two weeks of overtime really screwed that up. I'll most likely be posting more about the day tomorrow after I finish my workout.

Not a whole lot else to go on about, so I'm ending the tonight's entry here.


Day 82: Saturday and a new offering...

I know, it's actually Sunday when I posted this. I'm going to post again later today. Between Spring cleaning my condo and then prepping to go out tonight, I completely forgot about the blog. Sorry, loyal readers. As I said, I'll post again later today to catch up.

I decided kind of last minute to go out to my favorite karaoke bar tonight to have some fun. It was after eight and I just said "Do it." So I went out. The crowd was kind of small tonight, but they were interactive with the singers, so that's always a good thing. I did my two standards, "Bad to the Bone" and "It's a Sin" and then finished my set for the night with "Weekend in New England". You're probably thinking "One of these things just doesn't belong here". Well, in terms of genre and style, you would be right. In terms of performance, it fits in perfectly. Weekend in New England starts of kind of quiet and gentle but the crescendo builds and you have to shift into full power to really nail the emotion in the piece. If you try to soft sing it all the way through it really loses it's impact. I have to watch the soft points because my control with soft voice isn't where it could be. Power points I can hit it and hold, but the softer points require me to really focus my control so I don't lose the tempo or pitch and worse, shift suddenly from low to high in the middle of the song.

So my condo is cleaned and I got out to have some fun and relax tonight. It's all good for me. I got all my water and protein in today and a little exercise from my walk to the post box. Monday I restart my workout routine in earnest now that we're done with OT at work. Tuesday is going to be one of my non-workout days this week since I have a support group meeting that night. I hope that the people at the group meeting have had some success with their weight loss. Sometimes I feel bad that I have lost so much so fast when some people are struggling with it. But then I remember that the experience is going to be different for everyone and I just let go.

See you later!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Day 81: FRIDAY! Also April Fools Day....

Hallelujah, the weekend is here. I've worked so much OT this week that today's hours are pure OT for me. My next check is going to be nice. Perfect timing for my birthday on the 14th of this month. I sent out invites to a large number of people, of which I have received 4 confirmations. Anyone that got an official email invite that doesn't bother responding, I'm not even bothering contacting ever again. I'm not wasting my time on people that can't acknowledge a simple email, especially supposed friends. The ones that show officially get tagged in my book as best friends since they took the time to be there to celebrate with me. If they acknowledge my birthday with an email wishing me a happy birthday, they will be tagged as friends. A belated email gets tagged as friendly acquaintance. No response whatsoever gets tagged as I know who you are, but I'm not bothering to keep you in my life any more. It seems kind of sad, but maybe that's the way it has to be in a new life. Some people go, some stay. Old pastimes get replaced with new pastimes. Old habits get replaced with new.

For the record, I've never really cared for April Fool's Day. It always struck me as a day for justified cruelty. Most pranks are nothing more than that, but it's ok on April Fool's day. Seems hypocritical to me. Playing nasty tricks on people that you wouldn't want done to you is ok this one day of the year.

Bobo is a little irritated today, but oh well. I've learned to live with it. Good days and bad days will happen. Just gotta go with the flow. Doing good on water and protein today, and I have an invite to a party tonight so I'll be heading out tonight for some fun.