As I mentioned in my prior post, I've been ruminating on something for a while now, and I've gotten the whole thing worked out in my head now and I'm going to talk about it with absolute honesty now.
I started this blog to record my own weight loss journey, but I also use writing as a form of therapy to get hings off my mind. I find that if I'm in some sort of emotional turmoil, the writing helps me deal with it. Anyone that has been following my blog from the beginning or has read the entire blog from the beginning knows the turmoil I've been dealing with for the last 10 months. Now I can justify anything I write about as examining my mental state which is just as important to weight loss as anything else, but when I start questioning my own motives for writing about something, it's time to do some serious self examination. My recent posts about my amorous activities with Stephanie are a prime example of this. I can say that I'm sharing this with my loyal readers because they want to know how my life is progressing or that a particular review might help out another person having similar issues. I can say all that, but I had an eye-opening discussion with Cindy about those posts and she told me how hard it is for her to read these posts and that maybe she should stop following the blog. MY initial, defensive reaction in my head was "No one is forcing you to read my blog. This is my blog and I can write about anything I want." But the reaction I gave to her was one of sympathy. That made me start thinking about what I've been doing. Consciously, I don't want to cause Cindy any pain or discomfort. But subconsciously, I suppose I've been doing it intentionally knowing that she reads the blog. Once I actually admitted to myself that it was possible that I did that, I had to acknowledge what I was doing. Stephanie probably wouldn't like me talking about it either.
Now for the hardest part of this blog entry. Knowing that I caused Cindy pain, however unconsciously, isn't my modus operandi. I have to acknowledge what I did and I can't justify it to myself. If I can't justify it to myself, I can't expect to justify it to anyone else. What I did was wrong.
Cindy, I'm sorry that you were hurt by what I wrote. I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't do it consciously, but I know I did it.
I also owe an apology to my loyal readers for doing what I did. Many of you would support me, but as I said, if I can't justify it to myself, I won't expect anyone else to accept it either.
Do svidanja.
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