Day 214: Tonight's not so busy...

On top of not enough sleep, 8 hours overtime and the assheads in upper management putting us on jobs that we aren't trained for so they can try to resolve these outages, I got a text from the woman I was supposed to have a date with tonight cancelling the date. I'm somewhat less than pleased right now. I'm tired, I'm fed up, and I'm feeling a little alone in the world right now.

Right now, I feel like every relationship I've been in was expressly for the betterment of the other person. The one thing Connie wanted more than anything was to be a mother. With me, she got Candace. Darci wanted someone that could lead her out of the darkness she was in and I showed her the way to the light. Cindy never really told me what she wanted more than anything, but she admitted that I did things for her that no man had ever done before. All I wanted was someone who could just love me for me, for who and what I am, but I guess that's not what I'm going to get out of this life. It seems like I lose a little more each time. I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop. I'm tired of giving to the detriment of myself. I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of giving of myself and someone else getting the benefits of my work.

This might be coming from being overtired, but I've had it with the whole mess. Sometimes it feels like my will is slowly being sapped from me, and I won't have any left to continue the journey. I'm going to end this transmission here and ask for a sign, some guidance, something to keep me going. I feel like I'm stumbling, and my strength is all but gone. Lord, show me something, anything to keep me going. You know what I really, truly want. I need help finding the path there. I'm lost in the darkness and cant find the way and I keep stumbling on every step.

Help me.