Day 100: Time to tell the whole story.

Well, in my need to talk about things and get them off my mind I caused more damage. I owe everyone the whole story, not just my half of it. This is going to be a long and painful one, but I have to do this.

First, I owe a very public apology to that certain person. This blog is supposed to be about my weight loss journey, not her and not the issues between us. She asked me not to write about her and I have been because it is what has been on my mind. Mental state has a huge impact on the weight loss and by writing about something I get it off my mind. That's no excuse for what I did, though and I am sorry.

After this story loyal readers, you may not be so loyal to me. I made the decision to tell my side of the story. Now it's time for the whole story.

This whole mess started back in 2005, when I met Darci through my gaming group. The whole thing started as a teacher/student kind of thing. She looked up to me as a mentor and I saw her as someone who needed a strong older friend that she could come to if she needed advice or wanted someone to listen. After a few months, something changed. I was picking up on a signal she was giving off that she wanted more. My wife Connie was never the most affectionate type and now I had this smart, funny and affectionate girl showing me all sorts of affection. I recognized what was happening between us on an emotional level and I should have cut her off then and there, but I craved the affection too much. I did tell Connie the truth of what I was feeling, and that was the start of the end of our relationship. We went to counseling and we tried, but the damage was done. We divorced in January of 2007. By April, Darci had kicked me to the curb. I was devastated. I had destroyed my marriage for a chance to be with Darci and it was over.

Fast forward to July of 2007. I was perusing a singles website when I saw a picture of that certain someone. I sent a message that I was interested in meeting her. We exchanged emails and then phone numbers and after a couple of weeks, I asked her out on a date. When I met her for the first time, I felt a spark inside that I had never felt before. We went out and had a wonderful first date and our first kiss good night was explosive. We could have taken it further that first night, but we held off. We both recognized that there was something here and we didn't want to screw that up. We had 5 dates over the next 7 days. It was the most incredible time for both of us. I stopped dating anyone else and we were seeing each other exclusively. I knew far before that point that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

Fast forward 18 months. She and I are living together, engaged to be married eventually. My best friend is going through an absolutely horrible break up with his girlfriend and it makes me think that I need to reach out and try to resolve everything that happened between me and Darci. I didn't hide this, I talked to that certain person before I did anything. Next thing you know, Darci and I are friends again. Matter of fact, she invites me and Cindy to a movie night with a whole group of people. I tell Cindy about this, but not that Darci was the one who invited or that Darci would be there. That was the first fatal mistake I made in the relationship. What I didn't know is that she already knew Darci would be there. The next day, I tried to make it sound like Darci showed up unexpectedly. I lied. I should have been open and honest from the start, but I was afraid. I wanted to see my friend and I put that want ahead of the relationship. I was stupid, thoughtless, and wrong. I was so wrong for doing that. A few weeks go by and she finally confronted me on it, and we were on the verge of breaking up because of my stupidity. We worked it out, but it was never the same after that. My bro started talking to Darci to get her side of the story and Darci denied that she and I ever had a relationship, that it was all in my head. My friend showed me the transcripts and it killed me inside, that Darci would deny it outright and I cut off communications with her entirely.

Fast forward to recently: I should have just been patient and not made the WTF post. It wasn't that she was mad at me, she just has too much going on in her head and needs time alone. But because of my impatience, now she is mad at me. Another big, stupid fucking mistake on my part.

So now I'm offering an apology to you, my loyal readers for not keeping this blog about my weight loss journey as it was supposed to be and to her specifically for writing about her when I said I wouldn't.

I'm also sorry for every mistake I made during our relationship. From the situation with Darci, to making decisions without her, to not showing her the love and attention she truly, so rightly deserves. I offer no defense for these actions. They are indefensible. I can only say that I made mistakes and I try to learn from my mistakes.

Most importantly, I'm sorry for making this about her. I'm sorry for hurting her.

I'm sorry. For everything.