Day 68: A voice long unheard from...

Well, all this week I've been hitting the gym and doing my walking with the exception of Monday (Still did the walking, but the dr's appointment went WAY too long to bother with the gym). I've been making sure to do all of my strength training and to push myself on the tread with faster speeds. I've also been cutting out the mid morning and afternoon snacking. It's only an ounce of cashews or cheese, but I want to see if it makes a difference in my weight loss this week.

Anyway, onto the mainstream of today's blog. Last night I was on the tread, having already done my strength training and I was about 13 minutes into it and I started thinking I was tired and I was going to stop once I hit 200 calories burned or 20 minutes, whichever came first. As I approached the 15 minute mark, I heard this voice in the back of my head. I recognize the voice since it's mine, but it's got a rough, brutal overtone to it. Sometime ago, I acknowledged that I have a dark, dangerous, truly nasty side to my personality. We all do, but it's not a part of my everyday world. This part of my personality stays locked up until I need it released. That's usually not a good thing to have happen. Anyway, I acknowledged this personality and named it. When you name a thing, you have control over it. I named this part of me "Feral". Anyway, Feral decided it was time to make himself known again and it was that voice in my head. Not that it's a truly separate or split personality, it's just a part of me I normally keep locked away because I don't need him.

Anyway, as I'm considering cutting my workout short, Feral stepped into the back of my brain and started in on me. I could almost see my evil smirk on his face in my mind's eye. "Do you think you're gonna give up? Every calorie you burn gets you closer to that goal. If you give up now, you just delay what you want. Keep pushing until you make that 35 minute mark. Puss out on this now and you might as well give up on the whole damn thing. You'll be no different than a certain loser you keep raging about if you just give up."

Well, that did it for me. I pushed through to the end, sweating and a little sore, but I did it. When I finished, Feral stepped into the shadows, chuckling wickedly. I heard him say, "I knew that would get you going. Remember you're changing from fluff to buff. It ain't gonna be easy, buddy. And I'm gonna be right here waiting for the next time you decide to think about wimping out. SHE sure doesn't want you to wimp out, and you know it."

I know it seems odd to refer to a part of myself in the third person, but it's not so different from guys who refer to part of their anatomy as if it's a separate entity. My normal personality and the Feral personality really are polar opposites of each other. For my readers that know me personally, just take my normal personality and flip it 180 degrees. Where I really, truly care about people, Feral only cares about himself. That's really the key difference.

This was the first time Feral ever stepped up to keep me on task. I know I'm usually not happy when I feel the need to unleash him, but this time he stepped up to really help me. I'm going to take that as a sign that I'm changing both outside and inside.

Adios!