Day 73: An interesting new emotional development.

More OT today and a real beast of an outage laid the smackdown on our call centers today. They even decided to expand the OT to 12 hours today. Since I had to pick up my daughter from safekey, I was exempt from the extra two hours (thank God). But by the time we got home, I was worn out physically and mentally. The workout just has to be put on hold for now. I am doing extra walks on my extra breaks (we get extras on OT), so my walking isn't getting neglected. I'm taking my daughter to see Sucker Punch tomorrow night, so no workout there. I refuse to worry about it or beat myself up over it. The weight is coming off whether it's a lot or a little, so I'm just going to take this week in stride.

The emotional development came from a major revelation I had today. What I'm wanting hasn't changed, but something regarding it has. I realized that the power of my love and devotion is transmuting my melancholy moods to something different, but I don't think it's any less negative. I realized today that at the very core of my being, I hate a person. As much as I love what I want, I hate this other person just as much. The love I'm feeling for the one and the hate I'm feeling for the other is filling me with an energy and passion that I have never felt before. Yin and Yang are balancing. Love representing the positive and hate representing the negative. Black and white in equal portions. I'm seeing two things very clearly now. The first is that things had to happen the way they did. The second is that things will change again when it is time and that I can't rush it. I know in my heart and soul that things will work out. It's not a question now. It's just a matter of patience. To be truly happy with someone else, you have to first be happy with yourself. I don't think either of us were happy with ourselves or the way we let things go. I honestly don't believe that we wanted to let go, but we have to change for the better and then work at rediscovering what we saw in each other that first night. I think we saw the possibility, but we had to change to truly achieve that possibility.

To a certain degree, I've always been strong enough to do what I had to do alone. I had to start my journey so I could lead another through the same journey. Someone that I know is looking to me for guidance and support for when they have the surgery and are really on the path. I guess I'm acting as the pathfinder, the guide. As a guide you have to travel ahead, not behind, and not side by side. Partners travel side by side. When we're both ready,then we'll walk the path side by side.

There's more than one journey occurring here, it just took me a while to find the additional path.

Hoorah!