Day 119: Contemplations on the Shapers...

In this case, I'm referring to the things in my head and my history that contributed to my becoming fat. It wasn't any single thing that caused it and I know that now. But I think all of these things added up to it. The first shaper is genetics, I'm not a skinny build. Never have been. I've always been broad shouldered and barrel chested. According to my Mom, I was an 8 pound, 13 ounce set of shoulders when I was born. Also, genetically I'm inclined to keep and maintain weight for survival coming from Irish and Scottish stock on my Dad's side. I look back at pics of me then and I can see that I wasn't fat by any stretch of the imagination. A little heavy set for sure, but not fat. That leads me to the second shaper: other kids. Kids can be unimaginably cruel to other kids that aren't like themselves and they describe what they see, not necessarily the real story. I was thick, pure and simple. A kid just sees a kid bigger than he or she is and thinks "Fat". If you hear it enough, you start to believe it whether it's the truth or not and that belief impacts your whole way of life. If you believe you're fat, you will start making the choices that will keep you fat whether you want to or not.The things you eat, drink, your play. Everything. I got moved around so much from school to school as a kid and a lot of times, I didn't have friends in my neighborhood to play with because my school was no where near my parent's house so I fell back to reading and playing with action figures, legos, anything I could play solo and not need friends to play with me. My sports skills pretty much dwindled to nothing, which further insured being picked last for teams in school. That also insured that the kids would pick on me further which made me retreat deeper.

The next Shaper has to be family. I love my parents dearly and they never wanted me to get fat, but like all parents in the 70's, they didn't have the knowledge that we have now as far as what will put weight on us. Also, I was a very picky eater and it was easier for them to give me what I wanted rather than make me eat and try different things. Plus, I was a stubborn little kid and I always wanted my way and for the most part they caved in to me. Not always, but when it came to food, they usually let me have my way. As a little kid, they probably weren't worried about it and they probably thought "He'll grow out of the baby fat when he grows up." Plus, they both grew up in families where things like sweets and sodas were rare treats and they wanted to give me and my sister all the things they couldn't have as kids, so there were always cookies and sodas in the house. They never really overindulged, but I know I did. I know they just wanted to give us what we wanted, but we didn't realize what we had to do to not overdo it. And I just want to say that my parents are not to blame for my being overweight. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just acknowledging one of the things that shaped me.

Then going into puberty. Not fun. Your body is going nuts with hormones and everything else. Now let's add pimples and cracking voices to a kid that's already having weight issues and drive that self-esteem right into the ground. Low self-esteem means low self confidence and that kills any attraction a girl might feel for you, which means you will be relegated to "just friends" status no matter how nice a guy you are. When your self confidence is really in the tank, it shows in your face, your posture, pretty much everything. It's hard to get a girl to even agree to dance when you're like that much less get them to go out on a one on one date with you. And believe me, this is the voice of experience talking.

High School....Let's just revisit shapers 1, 2 and 3, shall we and then throw in all the cute girls that won't give you the time of day and will be more inclined to make fun of you because you don't fit into the high school norm. Now let's add in that awful myth about how the pretty girls are so pretty that no one has the nerve to ask them out and the oddball guy has a chance with them. That is such a [FOXTROT]ing myth that it is so far beyond funny now that I look back at it that it makes me ill. There were probably plenty of cute girls that would have gone out with me if I asked, but I always went for the cheerleader and drama types that I didn't stand a chance with. All because of that myth. Hell, I was a virgin until I was 18 years old and well out of high school.

After high school, I went to college for a little while, but it was just more like an extension of high school for me so I went to work. I started making my own money and my best friend took me to a strip bar. 18 years old, desperate for female attention of any sort and no chances of finding a girlfriend due to the way my mind was working at the time. These strippers start showing me attention and I gravitated to it like a moth to a flame. I knew in my mind that they were really interested in my money, but I craved that attention so badly that I didn't care. In time, I became actual friends with them and getting that attention eventually rebuilt my self-confidence which led me to try actual relationships with these women. That really never worked out for me and ultimately led me to joining the Army.

The Army...now I know you're thinking "You had to lose a lot of weight to get in and then had to lose more in Basic." You're right, I did. In Basic Training I got down to 175 pounds and looked like a concentration camp victim. In Basic and Advanced training, your exercise level is very high and you are going to burn off whatever you eat plus some. Once you get to Permanent Duty (also called Permanent Party), that exercise level drops somewhat and they don't really monitor what you eat or drink. So unless you watch it and keep that exercise level up, you will put on weight. In my case, I also had a platoon sergeant in my last assignment that just hated me and wanted to get rid of me. They wouldn't let me transfer out or let him transfer me, so he did the next best thing. He gave me these early morning missions that would guarantee I didn't get any PT and didn't get me back to base until nightfall so I was eating MREs all day long. 3 MREs a day is about 8 to 9 thousand calories. They aren't meant for extended use when you sit in a truck all day long. Even one a day is too much if you aren't exercising. So what do you think happened? Yep, I gained weight and couldn't pas my PT test and he managed to get me chaptered out on Medical. I was honorably discharged, but still discharged and with a body weight of 260 at that point.

I was also married by that time and early on, we bought what we could afford to eat which was cheap and fattening. I figure that I was over 300 pounds by our 5th anniversary and exercise was never a strong point for us. At one point, I got a job that was very physically active and I wasn't eating too much and I dropped a lot of weight. Of course in that time frame I also managed to get divorced and dropped some more weight. Then I met the one I thought would be with me forever and I went and got a better job as far as money and benefits were concerned, but it wasn't as active so I got heavier than ever before, which started impacting our sex life and drove a wedge between us and eventually I lost her too. It was right after that that I had my surgery and now I'm finally in control of my weight.

But there are still plenty of days when I'm that same fat kid in High School in my head. I hope the fat kid goes away soon.

Adios.